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old friends

This goes out to a couple of my oldest and dearest friends. No matter how long or how far apart we are I love you guys and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Patty and Anndi my life would not have been the same without you in it.

Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton - "You Can't Make Old Friends" (Official Mus...

Hurry and Catch up!

They say that when you figure out the meaning to life and what means the most to you, you will be happier and more content. For the most part I believe this is a true statement.

What happens though when you spend years discovering who you are and what means the most to you. When you fix your self and grasp life by the you know what. When you let go of the past and work hard at letting go of the hurt. When you finally think you've got it. When you stop sweating the small stuff.

Only to try and move forward but are stopped in your tracks waiting for your loved ones to do the same.
You won't leave them behind and you don't want to. So you stop and you wait, and you wait, and wait,

You know you can't do it for them and you know it will be on there own terms. Yet you stay put and feel like you are being pulled backwards. At times you get tired and fall back a step or two. Then you put yourself back together. You wait some more.

This sounds so sad and depressing doesn't it.

Not really though because you have the strength and the determination that is needed to wait. You know the process and you know how important it is to have your loved ones by your side waiting on you to figure it out.

Each person has their own meaning to life and their own idea of what means the most and sometimes it takes a little longer to stop sweating the small stuff.

Well I hope for all those waiting you continue to do so, It will be worth it in the end.

You could look at it this way what a great love to have when you wait instead of leaving them to do it on their own.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/110630183852299548753/albums/5925061650960177057

We can all be jerks sometimes!

This week I let my emotions and hurt feelings get the best of me once again. I spent most of the week hiding away waiting for it to all go away.

Well I know that is not how it works but I was being stubborn and bull headed.

I hurt other peoples feelings and did not act like myself. For this I am sorry.

I am done being a fool waiting for something that only I can fix.

I have gotten off my butt and started correcting my own stupid decisions and stopped using ever excuse in the book to feel sorry for myself.

Hey I never claimed to be perfect and I am not going to pretend to be. I am only human with human tendencies. I can screw up just like anyone else out there.

I was a jerk all week and I am sorry to those who I took out my frustration on. No excuses just apologies.

LOTS OF LOVE TO ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME.

Negativity = Impowerment

This week has been rough. I have been down on myself a bit and not really wanting to continue working so hard without anything to show for it. Than out of no where comes that one negative ninny that gives me the push I need to continue working my butt off.

I have been working harder than ever for the last year trying to get ready for the launch of this book. I never realized how much was going to go into it before I would see any results or satisfaction. I still have a good six months of hard word until that day comes but I started this journey and plan on following it all the way.

You know in the past the negative people would have had the opposite effect on me.  I would have listened to them and put myself down, letting go of my dreams for the sake of one persons opinion. Dumb right!

Now every time some one is negative I use all their energy to keep pushing forward. I wait for the day that the last laugh is mine. I know how how easily I usually give in or give up. Not this time.

I know that the ultimate prize is that the book is done and out there. I know that it is a good story and when people begin to read it I will get some good feed back. I also know that the negative feed back will start to come in too.

I say bring it on. I told a true story and it was my story to tell. I am so happy and proud of myself that nothing will get me down. I ask that if anyone does read my story fell free to give me feedback good or bad.

Find me on facebook Renata Kell-Bangs
find my book at Tate Publishing http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-62854-283-7

I am sending out a prayer request

I am sending out a prayer request

Today I sat down and did a tally, after crying for about an hour, my family has lost twelve friends and family in less than three years, I’m afraid that tally is going to go up.

I know a young soul who is destroying themselves in alcohol and all the dangerous behaviors that are associated with having a drinking problem. I pray and pray for help for this person and still spend nights wondering if I am going to have to bury another person.

Between the drinking and driving and the blacking out so many horrible things can happen.

I know better than any that you can’t change someone and that they will only change if they want to change.

So many people have stressed their concern to me and cried with me over this beautiful young person yet there is nothing more we can do except pray.

I am asking God to give this person inner peace and fill their heart with the love that surrounds them every day. I am praying to God that someone who knows this person will say just the right things and make them realize how much they are love and what will happen if we lose them.

I am asking everyone who sees this to pray along with me and help save someone from themselves.

I know that this person has so called friends that if they stopped just for a minute would realize that they are helping this person die. Please help me pray. God is the only answer for me at this time. I do not want to bury another loved one.

I know that if something where to happen to this person so many lives would be destroyed. That’s how much we love them.

Here is my book put to pictures and music- Post Trauma

I once Was

I Once Was…

I once was invisible…

I once was nobody…

I once was the ugly duckling…

I once was fat…

I once was unimportant…

I once was unloved…

I once was alone…

I once was stupid…

I once was a failure…

I once was sad…

I once was unkind…

I once was lost…

I once was forgotten…

I once was my own worst critic. I now am seen, heard, somebody, beautiful, healthy, important, loved, surrounded, smart, successful, happy, kind, found, and remembered.

I once was the best person to put myself down and nobody could do it better.

I once was ready to believe my own negative thoughts.

I once made myself miserable.

I now believe in me and could care less what anyone else thinks. I am worth positive thoughts and good things in my life starting with my own thoughts of myself.

We often tend to tell ourselves the worst things that anyone could ever tell us.

I suggest trying to tell ourselves good things and believe them.

We are all human and none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and we all beat ourselves up for those mistakes, we all deserve forgiveness especially from ourselves.

Grandma’s Lessons

  Grandma’s Lessons

This is dedicated to my Grandma, Arleane  Birchfield, Who was invited into heaven with a lightning show only fit for the most amazing grandma ever.

Sitting with grandma waiting for God to call her up and watching all the love surrounding her made me think of all the lessons she has taught us throughout the years. I watched her children and grandchildren and could see the greatest lesson of all in all their faces. Love and Family.

Somebody said it best when they said “no matter our differences, no matter our personal issues, and no matter our finances we all where there for each other”. That is what Grandma taught us.

Another person said “your Grandma never had a favorite in her life, she love all her children and grandchildren unconditionally.” “Whoever was in front of her was her favorite for the moment and whoever she was mad at was the one who needed her unconditional love at that moment.”

You always knew that if she was yelling at you and her face was turning red you deserved every bit of it. She was always watching out for us and she always knew what to say to make us realize how dumb we were being.

She never gave up on any of us and no matter what we did she always had an open door. It didn't matter how long it was in between visits when you walked into her house it was like you weren't even gone. She told stories that most of forgot or where too young to know. She always had an open ear and a strong shoulder to lean on whenever you needed it.

She was a beautiful woman inside and out and she was so wise. We all learned so many lessons from her in life. We learned to love like you wanted to be loved. We learned that you never needed drugs or alcohol to be happy; we learned to do the right thing even if it hurt. She taught us to stick together even when sticking was tough.

She taught us to fight for what was right but not to fight just for the sake of fighting. She wanted us to believe in God and live as he wanted us too. She never judged us and didn't want us to judge others. She could be spitting mad at you for acting like a fool but in all her cussing and complaining you always heard the underlying sentiment of love for you. She only wanted us to listen to what she was saying but never stopped loving us ever.

She was proud and stubborn and independent. She never asked for help and never complained about anything that she couldn't get to right away. She passed on so many of her lessons to so many of her family.

Just take a look around at her children and grandchildren so many of her traits are visible in even the youngest children. She was the most amazing woman and we will admire her for the rest of our lives.

She will be talked about and thought about everyday by someone, especially when we are about to act a fool. She will be etched in our hearts and minds forever and will be missed forever.

Granny was our anchor and our rock and she prepared us all for this day. She knew she wouldn't be here forever and she spent every day giving us her wisdom, her love, her strength and her life. She gave us so many lessons to prepare us for life without her.

We will hurt for a while and we will never stop missing her but we will someday be able to look back and be so grateful for all she has done for us. So many things that we won’t even realize them all, but one day when we are facing some trial or tribulation Grandma will creep in to our hearts and the answer will be in one of her lessons or conversations that we had with her.

I personally can’t say that I have ever met anyone in my life that I admired more than granny.

WE WILL FOREVER REMEMBER YOU, AND WE WILL FOREVER MISS YOU GRANNY.

What More Could You Want From Me

I have bent over backwards, sacrificed all I could, made amends for my mistakes, said I'm sorry a million times, owned up to my downfall, pushed forward no matter how hard it was, . I have found faith and made huge strides to better myself. I have found my pride and my strength once again. I have left the past behind and pushed forward to the future. I have made efforts to fix all that is wrong in my life and yet it is never enough for you. So I ask what more do you want from me?

You ignore everything I am proud of and point out all of my flaws, past and present, You won't let me forget and you won't let me in, you find ways to hurt me when all I want is your love, you shut me out and shut me down, you hold on to all your pain and project it on to me.

You imagine a perfect version of me yet we both know I will never be perfect, you make sure to kick me just enough to keep me from getting close to you. You miss all the words I express to show you my love and you hold on to anger and pain that will surely destroy us both. I will always be there and you know that is true, but you are constantly pushing me away. What do you want from me?

Do you want me to fail? Do you want me to give up? Do you want me to go backwards?
Do you want me to succeed? Do you want me to live? Do you want me to LOVE YOU?

I will not fail! I will not Give up! I will not go backwards!
I will succeed! I will live! and I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!