so much love

You know I was just thinking about everything and realized this might be part two to my book. I don't know if it will have a happy ending or a sad one but It will be another true live adventure and with God leading me I'm sure whatever he has in store is more than I could ever imagine. 

right now the pain is intense but the support is beyond what I would have ever have thought possible. No body is judging me and telling me what to feel. People are being gracious and understanding and not pushing their own opinions onto me. They genuinely understand what I am going through and that is a blessing. Thank you to all those who love me enough to stand by me no matter what. I will always be grateful for the love and patience.

wake me up from this nightmare

all the familiar faces and the hugs and encouraging words are awesome. I feel loved and know people care but unfortunately each time I have to tell the story the pain hits me all over again like it just happened. I love everyone who is helping me and telling me it will get better. You are all so dear to me. I know that in time it will get easier but at this moment the pain in my heart is so intense and my heart still bleeds for lost love. It is so unreal and so stupid that my mind is constantly fighting the truth. I wanna believe that this is just a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from and my family will still be together and my husband will still love me. What a slap in the face each and every time reality sinks in. Forever, that's what was supposed to happen. Now 22 years of my life has disappeared and I am utterly alone, even with people all around all the time. I know that there is a reason for everything and God is taking care of me but the love I have for my husband is still in my heart and that makes the pain so much more. I know I will survive just like I have my whole life but I wish I didn't have to survive this one. This is the saddest thing I have ever had to get a grip on. How do you love someone with all your heart unconditionally and than find out they don't love you back. How do you move on and move forward when you never wanted this. This lesson in life is one I never wanted to learn. My faith in God and all my friends and family is what is holding me up right now. My heart actually breaks for my husband and it don't matter what he has done or what he has chosen. I will live with the decision but will never understand it.
I will always have love in my heart for the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

I woke up crying to this song playing on the tv.

God is leading this Journey

God is leading this Journey

My new journey is a complete and perfect mystery to me. I have been up and down with emotions. I have been broken and on my knees and together standing strong. I headed over the mountain and then back again. I have turned to unlikely faces for comfort and made unlikely decisions on a whim. I have learned how many people care and how many people are willing to help. I have had people tell me how proud they are of me and how much they look up to me. I have felt week and strong all at the same time.

I have surprised myself and stunned others. I have held on to faith in God when everything felt hopeless. I have not let myself give up even though my body is exhausted. I have never stopped loving and will not let hate enter my heart. I have laughed and cried over all of this insanity but have never wavered in what I believe is and always be true.

God is leading me day by day with unexpected phone calls and things coming out of my mouth that are random and I would never have thought of myself. He has given me confidence and comfort in his choices whatever they may be. I believe God is listening and teaching me all at the same time. I have found out things about myself that I love and things that I am sorry for. I have started to believe in myself and what I am capable of. God is talking to me every day just when I need to hear his voice. He keeps telling me to never stop believing in what is right. He lets me feel the pain when I need to and then reminds me of all that I am grateful for. His wisdom and guidance is carrying me step by step beyond what I would have ever imagined possible. His love is feeling a hole that is so big and aches with hope and faith that he will provide and make things right in his time. He is letting me learn so much about myself and other that my head spins with excitement and confusion. He never lets me down and never has. I don’t know each day where he will take me but he is leading this journey.

The devil comes in pretty packages

Most of us picture the devil as a scary beast who you could see a mile away.

The truth is the devil comes in any form he can to win his battle. A pretty girl or a handsome man, something pretty and new and exciting.

He works on our heart and our mind using kindness and emotions and feeling that will confuse us until we follow him.

If we could see him as a beast we would run the other way and he would always loose.

Instead when something looks better and feels real we follow right into his plan.

The closer we get to God and his plan the harder he works to destroy it.

Unfortunately if you are not paying close attention you miss the signs and throw away what is right for that new pretty exciting thing in front of you.

I pray for those who can’t see the devil in disguise it will cost them a one way ticket to heaven and will break hearts of gold and turn lives upside down.

I will always believe in Gods protection from the devil and will know that just because something looks good doesn’t mean it is Gods will.

life's new journey

Today as I sit here all by myself crying for what could have been. I know that my heart will never be the same. 22 years loving one man will never really go away but I know that I fought with every ounce of my body and soul to the bitter end.. I let him choose and unfortunately my heart lost. I know have to begin the healing process and I couldn't think of a better way than to go on a road trip. Unfortunately that takes me away from everything and everyone I love. My two beautiful daughters and my two grand-babies on the way. What I have to do is make sure that I can heal my heart so that I will be a great mother and grandmother who has once again survived the most painful stumbling block. I know I have the strength and I will not try to fool myself into believing it is going to be easy. After all I did not choose for any of this to happen and my hear will always belong to my first and truest love. Now I just have to grasp the fact that his heart doesn't love me in the same way. I hope the best for him and will always remember all the wonderful memories we have but I will not continue to hurt myself for someone who just doesn't truly love me. I hope that this life will be kind to him and to me even though we are traveling different paths. I am proud to say that I loved my husband with all my heart faithfully and through all the good and bad. I will hold my head high as I try to figure out what life is going to bring me next. To all my family and friends thank you for your support and please pray for both our souls we will need God more now than ever. To my daughters I love you and will come home when my heart is not so tour up. Never forget how much your mother loves you. I will always be in your head and your heart when things get tough. Just remember what I have taught you and you will figure stuff out without me for a while. Love truly Mom