Enduring Love

Enduring Love

In my time I have noticed that so many people declare their love but it seems that their love can be turned on and off like a light switch. The kind of love they feel is conditional upon the circumstances in their own lives, when things are good than the love they feel is good when things are bad the love seems to vanish. This is not the kind of love I know.

Whether it be love for a friend, family member or lover the kind of love I know is true and strong and enduring all things. The love I know is the love God granted us when he gave his only son for our sins.

The kind of love that grows stronger with time and does not weaken and a good old fashion fight is filled with passion and commitment because you are willing to fight for that love.

The kind of love that is steady and lasting through all times good and bad, sadness and happiness.

The kind of love that makes you stupid at times but every action you make is base out of that love and affection for who it is proclaimed for.

The kind of love that you would shout from the mountain top and tell every person who you see that you love fully and without reservation.

The kind of love that you couldn’t hide even if you wanted to, because you where it on your face and it shines from your heart,

The kind of love that makes every day possible and every trial and tribulation doable,

This love is not selfish and it does not waver when the earth is shaking and the sky is rumbling.

This love will not change because life does and will not shift to another because feelings get hurt.

It is true and honest and long lasting. It remains solid and secure when life becomes unstable.

You cannot turn it off or silence it, you can only nurture it and respect it for it is real love and not just words.

This is the love I know and want for all people to have and receive.

This is the love that God has granted us and it is up to us to choose this kind of love.

This is the love we all deserve.

The Beast the Blind and the Child

The Beast the Blind and the Child

A child born into this world a miracle granted by God but raised by a beast instead of a father and blind and defenseless woman instead of a mother.

With no reason in the world to dare and dream and every excuse to give up this child carries on as if nothing is wrong in their life.

They move through every day as though tomorrow will be the day that will change everything. Never giving up hope and never carrying hate and anger but loving as though they were loved by some kind of invisible love.

Standing strong and leading those who will follow them, they pray for those who will be hurt each day and praying for those who will hurt them just comes naturally.

An understanding that most will never have that kindness and forgiveness is the answer and key to surviving what would otherwise destroy them.

With no guarantees and no reason to believe they just know that someone is watching over them and someday they will be rescued from the depths of darkness they have called home.

Young in age but wise beyond anyone’s comprehension they choose to suffer in silence waiting for the day they are led down the road to freedom and peace.

What a gift God granted this child to filter out hate and evil and let in love and faith. To save this child with no more than a promise that everything would turn out how it should and a cloud of protection that only he could provide.

To send his saving grace to this child in forms of friends, teachers, policeman, Sunday school advisors, family and strangers. He strengthened his child until they were prepared for the rest of the world which would be just as cruel and hard at times.

This one is to all the abused and battered children in the world. There really is hope and you never have to let those people win by repeating their mistakes. Win with love and kindness, peace and joy, and faith that there is better to come.

My Girls

I made this video using an unregistered free version of this movie maker. I am not trying to infringe on anybody's copyrights in fact there information is smack in the middle of my video so if anything I am advertising a great product for them.

Freak Chance or Act of God

Freak Chance or Act of God

I have had several experiences in my life that are unexplained so I will try to share a few of them and you decide.

One day my husband my children and I decided to go to the park and eat lunch. We had a new truck that my husband was very proud of so before we left he had to wash and wax it. He worked on it starting at the crack of dawn. We pile in the truck and headed to the park. First we stopped and got something to eat at the little store just down the street from the park. We then proceeded to go to the park and the only place to park was on the street underneath some trees. My husband immediately started saying I don’t want to park there the birds will poop on my truck. None the less he parked and we headed for the picnic tables. The girls sat with their back to the road and my husband and I sat staring at the truck. It only took about ten minutes before my husband couldn’t take it anymore. He said I have to move the truck. So he went up and moved forward until he was no longer under the tree. Before he made it back to the truck another car pulled up where we parked first. It sat there for only a minute or so and just as it began to pull away we heard a loud snap and a huge tree limb that would have crushed a car fell right where both cars had sat. No kidding.

Then there was the time when my husband and I met at his brother’s house. He had this really old truck with a big motor. He was young and loved to burn the tires in it. I was constantly saying you shouldn’t do that because someone is going to get hurt. But you know the typical guy response. I know what I’m doing. So anyway we were getting ready to leave and he was in front of me in his old truck with my youngest daughter and I had my oldest daughter with me. I had my window cracked about an inch to get some air. Needless to say he proceeded to punch it. Oh and we were leaving a gravel driveway. Before I knew what happened I felt something hit my head really hard. I put my truck in neutral and put the e break on. When I looked at my daughter she started crying and saying mom don’t die. I reached up and felt my head and realized my head was bleeding. The part of this story that is amazing is that a rock somehow found its way through that crack in the window without breaking it and smacked me right upside the head. I was fine but had quite the knot on my head. After about fifteen minutes my husband and daughter returned to see what happened to us. Guess who got an earful.

The most amazing incident that I could tell is when my husband was driving log truck. I road with him quite often when I could. So one day he called and asked if I could get a babysitter for the girls and ride with him to Oregon. I said ok and met him just up the road. It was a normal drive we were in no big hurry and we enjoyed driving down the coast. Then out of the blue we were taking an s like curve in the road and I felt funny. As I turned and looked at my husband he just said “we’re going over”. The look on his face said it all. Neither of us had our seatbelts on for some reason that day. Oh by the way we were loaded with logs. My reaction was to turn and grab ahold of something so I reached for my door because we were going his way. We were on a very busy coast highway. My husband said that just as the truck was tipping a truck was going under us. He said the last thing he saw was the truck clear us and then we slammed down. About this time I flew about six feet and hit the steering wheel and was knocked out, I than landed on my husband who had to hang onto the steering wheel to keep from being sucked out of the truck. He had already busted out his window and his head hit the pavement. Most of the rest of this is things we learned after the fact. Apparently we slid across both lanes and hit an embankment about a foot away from a telephone pole. Then we slid across the road in the other direction and stopped hanging over another embankment.  We were told that had we hit the telephone pole the logs would have come through the cab and likely crushed us. If we had slid a little further we would have gone over the other side and the truck would have rolled once again likely killing us. And beyond anybody’s comprehension not one single car or truck was hit by us or the logs that flew all over the place. And trust me the road was loaded with traffic. Not only was my husband and I both knocked out briefly somehow he managed to hold on to that steering wheel and kept both of us inside that truck. He hung on so hard that when we looked at the truck later the steering wheel was bent completely over. Now I don’t know about you but I know that was an act of God. Don’t get me wrong we both got banged up with scratches and bruises and a few injuries but that’s nothing compared to what could have been

What Would You Do?

I once heard this story and it often comes to my mind when I hear Tim Mcgraws song Live Like You Where Dieing

The story goes something like this. There was a fairly young couple living out there peaceful life having raised their children and found each other after several failed marriages prior. They had only been together for a few years and they where looking forward to the rest of their lives together.

Then the husband had an injury that was going to require surgery that would result in a change in their lifestyle. He had been a hard worker for many years and the thought of not being able to do the things he was used to began making him very depressed. The wife had been preparing for this and was completely aware of how hard this was going to be but she had faith that they would get through it.

The surgery day finally arrived after several months of waiting and it went well. After the doctor told her things went well she proceeded to explain that he was in very poor health and had very little time left. The doctor than began to explain that she didn't think it would be a good idea to tell him until they could get his mental state stable. She pleaded with her not to tell anyone just yet explaining that she though she needed to know but felt it would be too much for him and feared he would do something drastic and devastating. The woman had no choice but to agree for the sake of her husband.

Now when I think of this story I often think of what that woman had to do. I think of what kind of love she must have had for her husband to have to bare that kind of news on her own and pretend everything was OK. I think of her strength and how unselfish she was. I admire her for her faith in god and belief that she was doing what was best for her husband even though the pain and hurt she was feeling was so great. I don't know if many people could have done what she had too.

It often makes me wonder what would I do in that same situation and could I be that strong person when I needed to. I don't know the answer to that question and I hope I never have to.

A teaser from my book.

Ok. Its time for a little teaser from my book. Of course this is just a little of whats is in the book. I don't want to give it all away

Flashback: I was five years old and was playing at the lake where my family lived. We were all having a ball, Dawn, BJ, Danny and Deaker, Treana, Scotty and Kelly and myself. What a good memory playing laughing having fun.
Then he showed up out of the blue. “let...’s go” he said. The look on his face made me shudder. I begged to stay and play with the others. I begged to stay and play with the others. This would only anger him. I did as I was told. When I got in the car, I knew something bad was about to happen. I asked “where’s mom, are we going to get her?” “No, we have something to do.” As we drove I just got this cold eerie feeling. I looked out the window as we left the pave road and went into the woods. I began to cry. “Why are you crying? Stop that you have no reason to cry!” oh how wrong he was. I knew this was not good...............................................

He opened the door and smiled at me. He told me “you know your dad loves you”.

The whole storie is in my book.

 

 

 

Some girls never get it

Hopeless Loser Boyfriends

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/807046/signs-to-tell-if-your-boyfriend-is-a-loser

The difference between dating a cute, underemployed artist/actor/musician type and a cute, underemployed freeloader can be hard to distinguish. Is your man in a permanent slump? Here are four signs to watch out for and how to take control of the situation.

Sign #1: He's Always Broke

Deadbeat boyfriends are notorious for having a million excuses about why they are constantly broke. The economy is bad, his former boss was a jerk, he's waiting for the check to come in, etc. What they don't have, however, is a plan to turn their financial situation around.

Sign #2: He's Lazy

Do you leave the house in the morning while he's still under the covers and come home to find him parked on the couch? If he's always on Facebook, playing video games, or even if it's just a small thing like not replacing the empty toilet paper roll when it's out, laziness and a supreme lack of motivation are definite signs of deadbeat behavior.

Sign #3: He's Erratic

You may love that he is a nonconformist, but if the guy you're dating continually demonstrates shady tendencies, like disappearing for days, binge drinking, or staying out all night and refusing to tell you where he's been, consider yourself warned.

Sign #4: He Lets You Support Him

No matter how affectionate he is, do not allow your boyfriend to live with you and not pay at least half of the rent and shared expenses. Likewise, no self-respecting man would let his girlfriend always take him out to dinner without ever reciprocating. If your boyfriend allows you to support him or needs your help to accomplish even the most mundane of tasks, he might be classic DBB.

Just in case you where wondering

Top 10 Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend

Written by: Nichole Sweeting

September 24, 2008
Filed Under Relationships http://www.catalogs.com/info/bestof/top-10-signs-of-a-controlling-boyfriend

Tags: controlling boyfriend

All you need is love. Unfortunately, love is not everything to some people. They need more. The world we live in may be a reason to become paranoid of strangers, and suspicious of our own family, at times. However, when you are in a relationship, those feelings should subside. For some, the fears go away without a second thought. For others, it is hard to trust. That is the main reason a boyfriend can become a controlling nightmare.

It is hard to pinpoint the answer to why this behavior exists, but, if you feel as if you are being controlled, being able to identify the behavior is your first step to freedom.

10. Always By Your Side

If you are in a relationship where it seems that you have no time to yourself, chances are you have a controlling boyfriend. He never wants you to go anywhere without him. There is no more “girls night out” for you and your friends, unless he is with you. Doesn’t sound like a good time.

9. Do What He Likes

When you do go out, it is to an event that HE chooses. You may not feel like going to a movie, but it is what he wants to do, for example. Also, his turning down an offer to do what you would like is a key sign that he is not flexible. It often leaves the impression that he does not care about your interests. He may, or may not, but he is not supportive either way.

8. Do Things For Him

“Honey, go pick up some soda for me.” sounds like a genuine request for assistance. If your boyfriend is constantly asking you to run errands, without including you as the benefactor, this is another sign of the need to feel in control. Instead of “…pick up some soda for me.”, the request should be, “We’re out of soda. Can you go pick some up, please?”. Can you see the difference? WE are in need of soda, simply.

7. No Manners

In the previous example, the “please” was left out intentionally. Your boyfriend will not be polite. He will not say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “please” or even “excuse me” to you. It is because he is expecting you to comply with his requests. He also feels as if you should be thanking him for allowing you to do things for him.

6. Questions, Questions

When you can finally break through the chains, and find some free time for yourself, be prepared: your controlling boyfriend will interrogate you when you return. Putting himself in a “father figure” position will install more of a sense of control. Treating you like a child that went to the mall, prior to doing her homework, is the kind of humiliation in you he is trying to achieve.

5. No Questions, No Answers

Unlike the aforementioned subject, your boyfriend will come and go as he pleases, without answering to anyone – especially to you. If you try to question his whereabouts or activities, he will become defensive. The subject will immediately transfer from your asking, “where were you?” to his comeback remark about how you nag him too much, or something similar to that effect. He will ignore answering the question, and make you feel guilty for asking it. This is in hope that you will not do it again.

4. He’s Always Right

In an argument with a controlling personality, it is very difficult for him to accept defeat. The controlling boyfriend will get more defensive, change the subject, or bring up a past occurrence, when he was, indeed, correct, in order to prove his point with the issue at hand. He may not always be right, completely, but he is never wrong.

3. Can’t Buy Me Love

Fools gold has been around for centuries. However, a fool AND his gold have special meaning to the controlling boyfriend. He will buy you nice jewelry, take you to expensive restaurants and maybe even offer to pay a debt of yours. He will say it is because he loves you. Not true. He needs to feel superior to you. You now owe him, in his mind. Who is the fool? To him, you are.

2. You’re Worthless

Belittling your self-confidence can be have very serious consequences. Making you feel as if you are worthless without him, the controlling boyfriend will prey on times that you may be stressed the most. If you have just lost a job, or if you are experiencing normal hormonal reactions, this is the time he will strike. He wants you to feel as if life is not worth living without him. It’s hard to believe, but his confidence level is actually lower than yours.

1. No Means No

This is the most upsetting trait that a controlling boyfriend can display. If he forces you to do things, against your will, he is not in love with you. Whether it is going to a baseball game, when you hate outdoor stadiums, or, even more harsh an act, makes you perform sexually against your will, he is NOT in love with you. Not showing you the courtesy to respect your wishes is not a behavior that goes away. This will continue as an abusive relationship, where you will be treated as an object, instead of a person.
In conclusion, we all need to feel love in our lives. We all can find love in so many people that are in our lives already. Make sure you listen to the advice of your family and friends. They know you best, and care about you more than the rude, violent, controlling boyfriend that buys you the same cheap flowers after an altercation. You should always remember to respect yourself, and not be fooled into believing that you are any less of a person than anyone else. Put yourself on a pedestal, and never let any boyfriend make you feel as if you don’t belong there.

(83 votes, avg: 3.75 / 5)

Loading ...

Suggested Clothing Catalogs

• dELiA*s
• UGG Shoes
• Fabulous Furs

Grief the Great Destroyer

 Grief the Great Destroyer

 

I believe through experience I have learned that grief could be one of the most powerful and destructive emotions. Grief is so complicated and takes us on a journey through every imaginable emotion. It insights anger, fear, carelessness, depression, hatred, sadness, and confusion just to name a few.

It can take a terrible tole on an otherwise strong family, sending everyone in different directions looking for some way to deal with the pain. Now compound that  feeling several times when a family loses eight people in about a year and a half. So many tragedies back to back and no answers on how to move forward because just when you think you are making progress someone else dies.

This is a scenario that is real to me because it has happened in my family. What once was a family filled with joy and happiness has dwindled to a family of stress and confusion with everyone dealing in their own way and no real progress just good cover ups.

Struggling to deal with everyday life when somewhere buried in our heads there is emptiness and feeling of loss so great that it ends up affecting our decision making and our bond as a family. Everyone thinking that nobody else really knows how they feel because everyone feels just a little different.

Stepping back just for a second you can see the pain and the hurt in someone else’s eyes and want so badly to help but how do you help when you yourself can’t quite figure out how to deal with it.

You can see what others can’t see and they can see about you things you are unable to see but as a family unit you have fallen apart. Sometimes just because you don’t want to burden anyone else with your issues knowing they have their own to deal with and other times just because you don’t think they get it.

Reality has changed and for each of the family members there is a sense of destructive behavior just at the brink waiting to take them down. After all why care about anything when nothing seems to matter except the horrible events that won’t go away.

An outsider looking into this can see much more and it saddens them to see what once was the family to be and now is the family that once was. How do you put back something that was stripped away in a split second and without notice taken to a faraway place? How do you put back the peace and happiness and strength that was stolen from this family and begin forming that bond again?

No matter how much love you have for one another there has been so much loss that the love seems to be sitting on the back shelf. One step forward and ten steps back seems to be the moves being made. With so many unanswered questions and a loss of answers will things ever be even close to what was.

To everyone who has ever had a loss in their lives I hope that someday you will be able to reach out to each other and hang on to what you still have and learn to let go of the pain to remember all the good memories and fun times you had with those who are no longer here. I hope that those bonds that once got you through the tough times begin to form again and the loneliness that you feel will be filled with all the love that still surrounds you. God bless those in troubled times.

 

 

Drowning in the Consequences of My Mistakes

Drowning in the Consequences of My Mistakes

 

Why is it that just when life is supposed to be getting easier it seems to be getting more and more complicated?

It seems that no matter how hard we try life just won’t give us a break.

I once believed that if I corrected my mistakes that life would just get better but as more time passes I see more evidence of my failures.

I gradually picked myself up only to have my past knock me down over and over again. As though I never made amends or said I was sorry the mistakes I have made seem to live on in my children.

My life should be filled with joy of my accomplishments but instead my accomplishments seem to be disappearing on a daily basis.

I am constantly reminded that I can’t blame myself for everything and simultaneously reminded that I am to blame for so much.

If I could only grasp and hold onto that initial strength that once got me through the hardest times in life than maybe I could see light at the end of the tunnel, but for some reason I just can’t seem to hold on to any kind of hope and the darkness seems to come creeping back in time and again.

I seriously want to enjoy life more and start living for myself but it seems that every time I try someone else needs something more than I have to give.

I feel like I have paid my dues and have earned some me time but somewhere along the way I became the go to, got to fix it and punching bag for the most important people in my life. I don’t want to be that person any more. I just want to be the person who you want to hang out with.

I set myself up for complete isolation and it is starting to suck.

 

Anxiety

Anxiety is more common than people realize.

Any one could suffer from this dissorder.

It can be verry detrimental to you without the right help.

http://www.facebook.com/drphilshow

Thank God for True Friends

Thank God for True Friends

 

You know the kind of friend that will drop what they are doing just to come wallow in your misery with you even though they have they own troubles and heartache to deal with.

The friend that no matter what has your back and gets you even when everyone else thinks you are crazy.

A friend that would give you the time of day to vent and be completely selfish just to try and cheer you up.

The kind and gentle heart that even though you are down in the dumps and not very good company will stay by your side and listen even when there is no real solution to your dilemma.

The kind of friend that instead of pretending like it’s going to be o.k. will tell you they don’t have any advice but will sympathize with you any way.

Sometimes it just feels good for someone to understand that you yourself don’t understand. Someone who gets that nothing makes sense and your mind isn’t quite right.

A friend that needs you and you need them if nothing else just to be with for a day to remember you’re not alone in the world and somebody does care without judging.

We often forget how to be that kind of friend to others and I thank God that he has giving me a friend like that cause without at least one person who understands how the world would I get through all of this confusing and unexplainable pain.

Two people who find it hard to smile or laugh but when we get together we don’t have to put on a fake smile or pretend we can just be sad and its o.k. Now pressure to get on with it , or get over it, or suck it up, just be together and feel for each other and each others own distress.

I thank you Patti for being this friend. Love Ya

 

 

And it Begins

Oh my word I am so exited. This is what I saw when I opened my e-mails this morning.Tate Publishing Welcome to Copyediting.
It finally has started my book is on its way. I really didn't feel like this was happening untill this morning. I don't know wether to cry or laugh. Goodness gracias great balls of fire. I don't know wha to do. The funny thing is I don't have to do anything right now I have editors for that. Oh. my gosh I will actually be seeing a sample of my book by next month. Stay tuned for more to come. and one again thank you to those who have sapported me. Love you all.

What Once Was and What is to Come

What Once Was and What is to Come

 

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I examine the shell of a life that was once filled with love and joy and dreams for the future.

Now, alone and desolate, knowing that this part of life is supposed to be a happy time, I can’t seem to force a smile or stop wondering what now.

The things that gave me the most happiness in the world are moving on and I am left to figure out what else there is.

Life has thrown so many punches that somewhere along the way I have become numb and yet filled with a pain that will not retreat.

I want nothing more than to look forward to something instead of looking back for those happy memories. I want to look forward to getting out of bed instead of dreading what I won’t have in my day.

I would love to smile naturally instead of smiling for the sake of others.

I’m not naive I know this is just some stupid phase of life I’m going through but it feels like a phase that will last forever. I can’t seem to get my mind out of this mood.

With so much stress on everyone else’s plate the last thing anyone needs is my strange and unusual attitude. Not that I have anyone who would understand. More than likely they would misunderstand what I was saying and that would cause more heartache that I don’t need.

This is just so hard to explain. I miss the things that I took for granted. The laughter the constant noise, the feeling of being needed every second. Now I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am, but there is so much that I miss that if overshadows everything else.

There is an odd emptiness and distance that I can’t seem to bridge. I fear what I will become without what I know and I wonder if what I know will become useless.

I often think that I have created such a mess and I deserve this but it seems like there should be some sort of time frame for paying for you mistakes. If I could take back so many decisions I would but we all know we can’t fix the past.

I am grasping at every bit of strength I have just to get through each day. All I can hope for is a better day tomorrow.

I know I’m not the only one who has or is feeling like this so I guess I need to suck it up, but easier said than done.