Some People

Some People

It’s funny how some people never realize their own actions affect other people

They always think that it’s someone else’s fault if they are upset

They never own their own mistakes and can never take responsibility for their own actions.

It’s almost like they have put blinders on when it comes to how their own behaviors can have an adverse effect on someone else’s emotions

They have an excuse for not hearing it and blame the other person for having feelings

Nobody wants to be upset and nobody chooses to fight with the one they love but when all else fails sometimes we are put in a situation where talking doesn't work.

I love how when you try over and over to let somebody else know how they are hurting you they just find a way to blame you for everything.

It’s true people change and life gives us challenges but I truly believe that true love never changes only circumstances and circumstances only allow you to either give in to bad influences or rise above the challenge.

We can spend the rest of our lives tying to justify our actions or just live up to what our love ones expect from us.

As far as I can tell true love only needs true love back to be satisfied and circumstances are just circumstances that can be conquered.

Life is not easy and fighting for what you want is truly heartbreaking at times but those of us who truly believe will fight until there is no fight left. Unfortunately sometimes we lose that fight but at least we know we never gave up or gave in to what usually turns out to be the worst possible decision a person makes.

 In the end when you look back on your life do you want to say oh well that was what I really wanted but I just didn't fight hard enough for it.

I know that even if I lose I will go down knowing I fought as hard as I could for what was right and If it I don’t get the results I want then it wasn't my fault. (no matter what anyone else thinks) I did what was right.

Just When Love is supposed to be good

Just When Love is supposed to be good

Loving someone with all your heart is confusing and amazing and heartbreaking at times.

You give and give and expect so little in return for years. You have your ups and downs. You have your knock down drag out moments and then just when things are supposed to be good you find yourself in a one way battle to hang on.

You think you have ironed out the wrinkles and made it through the worst of the worst. You love deeper today than yesterday and you look forward to the new and improved maturity of the relationship.

Oddly enough as your feeling grow stronger you feel an emptiness that you can’t explain, A loneliness that is tugging at your heart and a strong need to feel that passion that has vanished.

No matter how hard you try to figure it out you can’t seem to find an answer. Your mind begins to race with thoughts of the worst scenarios and your heart begins to break. You find yourself wanting communication but are met with deaf ears.

Life has gotten better in all other areas and now when things are supposed to be good, you feel like you are losing the one thing you have battle for so many years. Without reasons and no understanding you slowly find yourself lonely for the one thing you just can’t seem to make right.

The loneliness can’t be replaced and no one gets it. You have no one to talk to and when you do they don’t quite understand.

You often wonder how when everything was so bad there was no doubts and now when the best parts of life are happening you are constantly worried and wondering.

Has life taken an insurmountable toll one the one you love? Has life taken away the only heart you have ever desired? Is there any hope or are you just buying time for the inevitable.

You question why you both fought so hard to preserve something so great, only to have one of you just stop fighting in one blink of an eye. You tell yourself it will get better but you know that emptiness is getting worse by the day.

Why now when love is supposed to be so good?

Please Big Brother Tell Me a Lie

  Please Big Brother Tell Me a Lie

My heart is breaking from the truth, so big brother please tell me a lie.

Let my heart be deceived and pretend you are not going to die.

Tell me you’ll take it back and wipe the tears from my face

Tell me I’m being selfish to want to keep you in this place.

I know you are in pain and the end is coming soon

So tell me a lie that will ease my mind and heal my heart

Tell me we won’t soon be apart

Let me believe this is some stupid joke

So that my heart will not be broke

Oh please big brother tell me a lie

Let me go to sleep and dream of tomorrow

Without all these thoughts of sorrow

I don’t want to know that you are sick

I don’t want to accept that you are leaving

I don’t want to think about life without you in it

I don’t want to prepare for your loss

I don’t want to watch you leave

So please big brother tell me a lie.

Just needed to vent today

Just needed to vent today


Today I find myself in a unusual place. While so many good things are happening there are still aspects of my life that are just not quite right. In the past this is where I would screw up royally  Instead of focusing on the positive I would soak all my energy trying to fix all that is not right. Today is a different day though. Even though my heart is breaking for some things to change my mind and heart is letting me focus on the positive things and realizing that I can only do so much to fix some things and nothing to fix others I am moving forward and staying strong and steady where I can.

I am on an adventure with a new career and a book on the way and all be damned if I am going to go backwards because some things are still hard. I may or may not get the results I want but if I only focus on the negative the positive is sure to go away in a split second. I will continue to pray and work hard on these issues in my life but I am not going to give up something that I have worked so hard for on the possibilities that things will get better. Failing at something that means the world to me is not an option. I deserve good things and I will work hard to keep from giving up or doubting myself even when it feels like the world is working against me.

The kell boys having fun always.

Just a little book update

I am exited to say my book has moved onto the project manager and we are working on the back cover including the hook, teaser and bio. We are also working on finalizing a name. I am working full time so I haven't had time to post for a while but I am going to try to check in once a week.

One thing I have learned this week is that when we are young we take for granite so much. Like our physical capacities and our health. Simple things like being regular(potty) or being able to stand on our feet all day without feeling like we have been hit by a mac truck at the end of he day. I miss being in my twenties and only needing a few hours of sleep or only needing five minutes to wake up. If I don't get up at least an hour before I have to leave and drink at least a pot of coffee my day is over before it begins. Oh well I guess its all good.

Another book teaser

Every so often when things get tough I take out my book to remind myself how far I have come. My book is about fifty fifty. Half of it will make you cry and half of it will make you smile. This particular piece makes me smile every time  This is the reason I have the strength to keep fighting even when I just want to lay down and give up.

Here is a memory that will be etched in my mind forever.

The first couple of months after I came home from detox where miserable. No one laughed and I spent the first seventeen days going through terrible physical withdrawals. My family was scared and sad and angry. I spent a lot of time in my room. I cried all the time and I couldn't say sorry enough I hardly participated in anything including watching TV. with my family.

Then one day I was laying in my room while Danny and the girls were watching TV. All of a sudden the girls started arguing about something. I just listened for a while waiting for Danny to step in. After several minutes of this I began to get aggravated. Finally I had enough. I came out yelling at them to stop fighting. I began lecturing them, including Danny for not doing anything.

To my surprise they all just stopped and stared at me. Then for no apparent reason they all looked at each other and began laughing. I tell you what I was getting angry and hurt for a split second. Before I could say anything they got up, came to me and hugged me. I remember crying thinking this is not funny. I didn't understand until I heard someone say “moms back”.

Apparently my lectures where missed. Ha HA

This was the first time I felt missed. Even though I was home for those couple of months, I truly wasn't myself.

This was the moment that I started to believe I was going to be o.k..

After writing this I decided to read it to my girls to see if they remembered that night. They laughed and told me that the fighting was staged and they were all in on it. They knew I would eventually come out and say something. This is impressive for a couple of reasons. One the worked together for me and two they knew me well enough to know it would work. I love you sneaky little shits.

The Big Bad Devil

The Big Bad Devil

Everybody has heard the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. What if the story went a little like this.

The Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit building the house of Heaven when all of a sudden they get a knock on the door from the big bad Devil.

The devil bangs on the door of someone who believes in God but does not practice living with total obedience to his will. That devil huffs and puffs and sends sin right in. He blows down that house with malice and hate tearing down families and friendships with ease. When the person moves closer to the truth and turns to Jesus the devil follows blowing harder and harder.

Now that same person starts changing their lives and turns to Jesus for knowledge and answers. Here comes that big bad devil working harder than ever to break this chain. He sends a storm of circumstances that will drop a person to their knees and challenge their faith. He moves in so fast that it feels like the whole world is crashing around you. He huffs and puffs and huffs and puffs only to find it is getting harder to tear down this house. Jesus is strengthening this person with trial and tribulations that seem unbearable at the time but carries them through each one so that they can move even closer to that beautiful mansion in the sky.

Moving on and filling their whole life with the Holy Spirit, you would think that there was no way that devil could get in. Unfortunately now he is angrier than ever and working with a mission to destroy. He works overtime on every part of your life. He huffs and puffs trying to break your faith. He huffs and puffs to tear down your joy and happiness. He huffs and puffs breaking you down in every possible way. He attacks your family and devours your finances. He puts temptation in your face and laughs when you break. He fills your heart and head with doubt and mistrust. He fights with all he has to win your soul but this time you are prepared and backed by an army of good and pure angles. He is relentless and never quits but so is your army. He will eventually back off and move on to someone who has a weaker house and easier to blow down. He will come back on occasion and start all over and usually it’s just when you think he is gone that he will swoop in and shake the ground to try and make you stumble and fall.

That big bad Devil will be around as long as we reside on this planet. The way I figure it is that the only thing we have going for us is the promise of a beautiful everlasting palace in the sky. As long as we keep our faith and never lose sight of what is right and good we have a fighting chance but as soon as we let our guard down all the hard work we have done will be tore down. God never said that doing the right things would be easy and for the most part if it’s easy it’s probably not a good thing. We might spend the rest of our lives fighting but isn't it worth it in the end.

My Kind of Love

My Kind of Love

My kind of love may look a little different to some.

I have known many different kind of loves in my life.

 I have known the kind of love that is truly evil and hateful such as that of an abusive parent who says they love you.

I have known the kind of love that is pure and unconditional such as the love of a child.

I have known the kind of love that is confusing and scary such as a first love.

I have known the kind of love that is on and off up and down such as a so called friend.

I have known so many kinds of love but the love that I feel in my soul for my husband has to be the most powerful love I can think of. Besides that of God of course.

I love him as my best friend, I love with him for our children, I love him in spite of our parents and I love him even through our ups and downs.

I love him because he is not perfect and doesn't pretend to be.

I love him because I am not perfect and he doesn't expect me to be.

I love him when he infuriates me.

I love him even though I infuriate him.

I love him more over time even though time is creeping up quick

I love him because he has stayed all this time.

You know its love when you watch him pick his nose and scratch his ass and you don’t even flinch.

You know its love when he lies in bed after you launch of a nuclear bomb and it smells like you just shit your pants

I’m pretty sure it has to be love when you both can talk about bowl functions and bodily fluids in an everyday conversation.

The kind of love that allows you to plan for the end and know you plan on being there that long.

The kind of love that allows you to never forget the beginning.

I love him when he’s silent and I love him when he won’t shut up.

He loves me because I never shut up, but he knows I can if I want to.

We can drive each other nuts or rescue each other from going nuts.

I love that he is my provider, of trust, faith, comfort, security, and the future.

I love to provide my unconditional love and understanding, even when the chips are down.

The kind of love that is strong enough to challenge each other.

The kind of love to take on the challenges of life together.

I love that even on those days that are off and something is not quite right our love lets us figure it out.

I have been told that there are two kinds of relationships, un- Godly ones and Godly ones.

If I had to bet after nearly twenty two years I would say God really wants us to make it all the way.

He has given us that once in a lifetime chance at the real deal and it has survived the ultimate test of time.  I figure if it wasn't his will, he would have severed our relationship long ago.

We have grown up together and raised children together and now we will be watching our grandchildren grow up together. What a blessing we have been giving.

Now that’s my kind of Love!!!!