A piece out of my book- Here is something you don't know.

I wrote this piece in one of the darkest places of my life. At this point my recovery from pain pills and my mental issues came crashing together making life extremely difficult. The guilt and pain I was feeling and the confusion that was wrapping around my heart was tearing me to pieces. I began to believe with all my heart that one of two things was going to happen, either I was going to die, or I was going to end up in a padded room somewhere. I even began to have dreams of my family trying to wake me up and I wouldn't wake up. I would also dream that I was sitting in a room with my family and I didn't recognize any of them. I knew that I needed to write something to my family just in case but I wasn't sure what to say. I was weak in mind and body. So I wrote this piece.

After writing this I reread it and started crying. I started yelling at myself saying "what are you doing" "your giving up" "your not a quieter and never have been" Your family deserves more from you" "get it together, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR and A FIGHTER. As you read my book you will see that God gave me a new path and a shining light and my writing started to slowly get more positive.

                                              If Today Was My Last Day

If today was my last day, what would I say?
I would say thank you to all who have supported, 
loved and accepted me for me.
I would say thank you to all those who
doubted, mistreated and hurt me.
For all those who did right by me, you taught me
how to love unconditionally
For all those who have done me wrong, 
You taught me how to forgive
If today was my last day, I would tell you how 
my dreams as a child all came true
I dreamed of a loving husband and got one.
I dreamed of daughters and got two beautiful
loving daughters
I dreamed of angels and have had a guardian angel 
since I was born
If today was my last day, 
I would praise the lord for the strength, compassion 
and determination that he gave me. I would not be
who I am, had he not wakded with me my whole life
If today was my last day
I might tell you I always wanted to see Paris,
just to feel glamorous for a day
If today was my last day
I would also tell yo I was smart enough to do
anything I wanted in life, and I did
If today was my last day
I would want to be with all those who loved me
and laugh for the rest of  my life. I would bet that
Danny would lead us in a round of jokes
If today was my last day
I'd probably say" I told you so" for all the times I was right 
but nobody listened. Yea I would defiantly say" I told you so"
If today  was my last day
I would pray to God to watch out for you now, so I can
retire to heaven. I'm going to wait for each and every 
one of you at the gates. I know we will meet again
If today was my last day
I would hope that somebody learned something from
my story. I know God had his purpose for me and I'll
find out when I meet him what that purpose was
If today was my last day
I would ask you to miss me but know that
I will always be with you
Love Renata

These words still haunt me. I am so glad that these where not my last words.
Thank you God for rescuing me again.

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