What Once Was and What is to Come

What Once Was and What is to Come

 

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I examine the shell of a life that was once filled with love and joy and dreams for the future.

Now, alone and desolate, knowing that this part of life is supposed to be a happy time, I can’t seem to force a smile or stop wondering what now.

The things that gave me the most happiness in the world are moving on and I am left to figure out what else there is.

Life has thrown so many punches that somewhere along the way I have become numb and yet filled with a pain that will not retreat.

I want nothing more than to look forward to something instead of looking back for those happy memories. I want to look forward to getting out of bed instead of dreading what I won’t have in my day.

I would love to smile naturally instead of smiling for the sake of others.

I’m not naive I know this is just some stupid phase of life I’m going through but it feels like a phase that will last forever. I can’t seem to get my mind out of this mood.

With so much stress on everyone else’s plate the last thing anyone needs is my strange and unusual attitude. Not that I have anyone who would understand. More than likely they would misunderstand what I was saying and that would cause more heartache that I don’t need.

This is just so hard to explain. I miss the things that I took for granted. The laughter the constant noise, the feeling of being needed every second. Now I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am, but there is so much that I miss that if overshadows everything else.

There is an odd emptiness and distance that I can’t seem to bridge. I fear what I will become without what I know and I wonder if what I know will become useless.

I often think that I have created such a mess and I deserve this but it seems like there should be some sort of time frame for paying for you mistakes. If I could take back so many decisions I would but we all know we can’t fix the past.

I am grasping at every bit of strength I have just to get through each day. All I can hope for is a better day tomorrow.

I know I’m not the only one who has or is feeling like this so I guess I need to suck it up, but easier said than done.